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Monday, February 25, 2008

Getting back in the swing of things...

Wow, its been a long while since I last wrote. And there is so much to say....

The last 6 months have been one of the most defining moments of my life. Its been awesome, wonderful, beautiful and amazing, and then awful, sad, heartbreaking and devastating.

In October of last year John donated 62% of his liver to his father after a few weeks of testing to make sure he was a perfect match. John recovered wonderfully and still is. Dad seemed to be doing so well for a while and then things went the wrong direction and we lost Dad on January 3rd of this year. The most devastating and horrible thing that could have happened. John, the boys, and I were in RI during the surgery part for a month and a half to be a part of all of this. We would not have had it any other way. I feel so lucky that things worked out in our lives to be able to accomplish that. I needed to be by my husbands side every step of the way and the boys needed to be a part of it also. And I'm so glad we were. The surgery itself was something that made us as a family stronger together, and it was a beautiful experience.

Now I can only speak on my behalf when it comes to Dad. Sometimes it seems to me that he still is here. And I have found myself going to pick up the phone to call him or have the boys call and say hi and have to remind myself that he is no longer available by a simple phone call. After losing my own father when I was 15, losing Johns dad brought that all back and then some. I feel so lucky to have been one of the people who knew him. And my heart broke when we lost him, I was and am completely devastated and have found it very difficult to get to a point of understanding and to a point where I don't feel bitter anymore. I'm getting there but I haven't quite arrived. I know that he is now watching over us and he is a part of our every day lives but selfishly, sometimes thats just not good enough. John and I speak about him to the boys pretty much daily and they bring him up all of the time. We will keep in alive in our lives because he is and always will be a huge part of our souls. I miss him dearly. He was an amazing man and the world is a bit more dim now that he is gone.

We are getting through this as a family and we will continue to do that, to stick together, get shoulder to shoulder, bear down and push through. And we will come out on the other side stronger.

That all brings us to February....
I have battled my illness this month something fierce and for a while it seemed the Graves was winning. I haven't spoken about it alot to anyone, just because I hate having to tell "the stories" over and over again. I know I have wonderful friends who would be there for me any time I asked, but sometimes, I just would rather suck it up and not bother people. I have been dealing with horrid symptoms and even more horrid doctors that won't do anything to assist me but basically going back through the game of them telling me its in my head and that the tests are showing that nothing is wrong so I just need to relax. I have spent nights so irate at doctors and frustrated dealing with people that I could SCREAM!! Lately after a few doctors visits, a few ER visits and lots of crying and frustration I feel like I'm feeling a bit better. I know that I need to take a positive outlook on myself and really get to a point where I am running my life and not letting my disease run ME. I'll figure it out.... eventually lol.

Like I said, this last 6 months has been full of life experiences, that both tore me down and built me up. I am so thankful for my family, my amazingly wonderful husband, my beautiful children and for all of the great blessings I have gotten. I am a very lucky woman to have the people I have in my life and to have the family that I have.

In memory here are some pictures from our most recent times with Dad.




2 comments:

Kristy said...

Erin don't ever feel like you are bothering your friends when you need to talk!!! That's what we're here for!!! (((HUgS)))

Kimmy said...

Erin,
Thank you for all your kind words about my uncle and godfather. I love him very much and always will.
I know he is looking down from heaven and smiling when he looks at his beautiful grandsons.
Love you,
Kimmy
P.S. Vent to me anytime you need to!